Enter My PORTAL

...thoughts.

2010-09-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

theres a gun right next to me

all i can think about is takin the safety off

and blowing my brains out...

2010-08-15T18:26:00.000-07:00

I wrote this 7/26 but I still feel this way

While you lay sound asleep in your slumber. I stay awake; I can feel the tension in the air. I haven't felt your touch in hours and it kinda hurts to know that your okay with that. You rest as if nothings wrong and feel cold when I touch you. You go about your day as if everythings good. If that's how life should be lived I'm in another universe. I know you have other things to focus on but I'm always left out in the cold with my heart in dismay. Bothers me that you don't even acknowledge the feelings your hiding, good/bad. Maybe I NEED you too much and you don't need me at all. Or just maybe I look for the good in you when I should be expecting the worse. If I'm not wanted please let me know. You do a 360 when ppl come around. Your happy, well I think, alone with me but you seem hard and cold when its me and others. If its me let me know cuz I have no choice but to think its me. The unspoken words we choose not to speak will build up and come out with hurtful truths and things we didn't mean to say the knives might actually kill us, I hope not. Whose to say tho? 5:48am

...neighbors come a knockin....

2010-06-03T21:57:00.000-07:00

So Trouble and I were gettin it on. I was ridin and was gettin a little too loud. Although Trouble and I adored it the upstairs neighbor didn't lol.. By the time I even had time to cum there was a knock at the door. *knock knock* We stop. Look at each other. Troubles under a drug influence; I'm intoxicated. We're rushing to find clothes too answer the door. Some minutes pass and the knocking stops. I'm still drippin wet and so is she. So we're thinking of alternatives to finish. We pick the hallway a good spot but not on a hard as floor. Last week we did it in the shower. I'll get to that.. We finish on the floor in the room and get in the shower. Trouble tries to go at it again but my Rita was sore. The night ends, and we go to sleep, naked :)..

Lol going to sleep and wake up naked makes me wake up super horny. We woke up and Trouble got me, somehow, in one of my favorite positions, from the back. She doesn't know that its my favorite postion either. I'm glad I don't have to tell her what I like, we just get in it. I love that. I love that about us that we didn't have to have the sex talk to know what we like or what we like to do, fav positions or anything. We just did it.

Anyways, we made love in the shower. At first we just had sex and we called it "makin lo" without the -ve... But that night we added the -ve... We decided to take a shower. I got in washed up and so did she. Trouble started kissing me all fast like I gota admit I like it fast but tonight something had me wanting to slow it down. So I did. I pushed her gently up against the show shower wall and started kissing her as soft as I could. Making my way to her neck, shoulders, and collar bone..I feel her body relax in my hands, cuz normally when we're going at it I feel a bit of tension still even though she's comfortable, I think...I hope. But after a few minutes of doing such foreplay her body comes to me. I've never had this happen and I've never felt my heart beat so hard in my chest bcuz of such things happening in a heated moment. That's when I knew she wanted what I wanted, to make love and not make lo... Her body came to me and I took it nice and slow. I loved every moment of it. I even told her I wanted to make love to her... 3/29/10 is a night to remember

But other than love making. Things have been good/okay with us. We know we didn't expect things to go this far between us at all things just happen. I'm glad they have happened. Some days though you can tell we just don't know what to do and with that we just become cold to one another neither of us will talk or show affection towards one another, its crazy but some days I just don't know what to do. I feel like sometimes I have crossed too many lines and stepped over too many boundaries for her. I do know I love her though and want her around for a while but I think I'll soon scare her off.. We'll see though

Its been awhile....again

2010-05-30T23:56:00.001-07:00

"Love is the flower you have to let grow"- John Lennon
To me the quote means that love can start out as saying a simple hi or how are you, but as soon as you let it grow into more it becomes a great thing, a great thing that is uncontrollable. It doesn't matter if it grows together with you as friends with one another or a couple what matters its there.Its there because you've grown with the person and got to know the person, shared the ups and downs , the joy and pains, the heartbreaks and laughter but no matter what the love was there, where it was grown.

But now I realized that all the hearts I've broken them falling in love with me blooming them selves into a beautiful flower with out me I was still a bud when they were fallin in love with me deeply and when I wanted to move on they were still attached to my heart, which made it hard for me to let them know I never loved them and wanted them to let go and move on themselves.(harsh) Im still stuck in the bud stage forcing myself to grow, but its takin a lot of emotions out of me and I cant grow anymore to the beautiful flower that I want to become,want to be.... I guess I still need to find myself and keep my heart to myself...

I'm lost..

A new and fresh start....

2010-03-21T21:28:00.000-07:00

So I'm talking to this new girl, we'll call her Trouble. She's, I guess, you could say a new lesbian. Meaning that she's never been with a girl and if we do get together I'll be her 1st in everything lesbianistic.lol i like my new word. We met on DL, and we hit it off right off the back. We talked about everything we possibly could before exchanging numbers and we still have yet to run out of meaningful things to talk about..

The thing that scares me the most about being with her is that I'll break her heart, hurt her and scar her for life. The other half of me wants to be the one to hold her heart, hold her when she's hurt and heal her wounds.. It's been a while since I've felt like being open, nice and romantic with someone new, that isn't from my past. I'm glad she shined the light on my path so I could move forward.

On the other hand, I know she's scared about being a lesbian and being in a relationship with another woman. Hell I was shittin bricks the first time I even had thoughts of another female. I'm just going to try and be her support system even though we aren't even together, I know she's a good person and she only deserves the best. The fact that shes not out scares her even more because she doesn't want to be caught, excommunicated or closed out by the people she holds dear to her. I understand that too, if I have to meet her at neutral places like the coffee shop so be it, its not bothering me and I know she's comfortable. It's all about her and I hope she realizes that soon.

The other night, was a night to remember.(March 19/20,2010)

We met at chic-fil-a. I had been washing clothes and she had spent all day, literally, getting her hair twisted (she's growing dreads).. She we met up around 8pm cuz she was hungry, I really wasn't so she ate and I had a milk shake. After she was done eating we went outside and talked for a long time about nothing. Chic-fil-a was closing we had sat there so long, the night went by to fast, so I walked her to her car and we were saying our goodbyes, then I dared myself to go in for the kill a kiss.. I was about 2 inches from her face when a stranger came up and was begging up from gas money!! Ugh I handed him $7 and she offered to met him at the local gas station to put gas in his tank off her debit card. I was so damn heated. I had to call my Ace on that one and she calmed me down.. I sounded like I was in high school all over again.

So we met the man at the gas station and she out $11 in his tank, so both of us combined gave him $18! Damn people sure can bribe other nowadays. Anyways, I filled up my tank and let her decided if she wanted the night to end. She didn't so we went to the park where we 1st met. I knew the park had closed at 9 and it was well around 11. We went anyways and the police came and said we had to leave so we just went back to the Chic-fil-a parking lot and there is where everything went down.

We started off in my car just sittin there talking about nothing. She was like "I should get going" playfully I responded "well get out" and she did went to her car stuck her key in the ignition and started her car up. I hopped out of my car so fast to stop her, I amazed myself of my agility. I asked her to stay a little while longer although it was already after midnight, I just couldnt let her leave on that note.

So she stayed until 330am.. We just hung out in the parking lot... I was holding her she was holding me it began to get cold after a while so the holding sessions started to last a long time. With everyone we began to get closer, mentally and physically with one another. She held my hands too :) I was smiling like a kid in the candy store on that. The simplest things throw me for a loop.

After sometime of nothing and playfully arguing.. I kissed her... Immediately after I began to work up an apology in my mind and I was 3 seconds away from blurting it out but she held me tighter and it gave me reassurance (in my mind) that it was okay with what I did. She just laid her head on my chest for a while and I held her close... Sometime past and we said our goodbyes with a few hugs and a few more kisses...

I haven't seen her since though but we've been texting all day and night... We planned to meet up for coffee tomorrow evening.. We'll see what lies ahead on the get together

...a twist

2010-02-18T16:21:00.000-08:00

This poem is about an ex... I don't have a title for it though

She says I love u

I say I love u too

U fly out to see me

Countless

Kisses

Sex

Intimacy

Sharing a love

That's endless

And so was ur time

Saying Sweet nothings

With good byes

And the last Face to face

I love u

With tears in ur eyes

A half parted smile

I walk away

Ur on ur plane

Knowing u won't

See me the next day

You land

Greeted by the arrival

Of your ride

You say

I love u

She says

...I love u too

the past

2010-02-18T15:49:00.000-08:00

So like I've said before my past always seems to find me at the worse time....

wait wait before I get on that...

Im SUPER horny right now.. Not like I can ignore it horny but the horny like you're ready to jump on the next thing with a pulse horny..

Anyways, I was talking with, I'm call her Real, Real and I have known each other for quiet some time now. We have that off and on type friendship.. There could've been an us a while ago but not so much now because things have changed on both of our ends. I moved away for school and she just isn't over her ex, at all. Well, yesterday Real asked, " would I want to be more than friends?" My heart and my mind are screaming inside of me YES YES YES! But I avoid answering that question.

Near the beginning of the year I wrote a poem I guess you could call it about her and how she made me feel and how I felt and sent it to her.. She said it made her feel special but nothing more came from the poem except bad news.

flame

A flame

That still burns

Despite the drama

The past

I know I still

Feel the burn

That warms me

See the flame

To guide me

The burning flame

Reminds me

You exist

And there could be a we

The fire u speak

Turns me

Back to you

My flame that burns

Insipred by Real

01/16/10

She says we can't get together because she is fighting to get her ex back. She knows that her and her ex has a slim to none chance of getting bak together. I'm trying to save her from the hurt that she's going to face because I've been in her shoes two to three times before. I missed so many opportunities chasing after people who didn't want to be with me anymore, so they would use me for whatever I had and be done with me and I would be still without them. Its a hard thing to stomach but I've let go and learned that things can't go as planned.

I read this quote today: "We can't put our future on hold for something that the past wouldn't allow to work." I stand by that quote because its true. If I was still wishing and hoping that H2 would talk to me or still tell me that she loved me; that I would be better off. It took a long while to realize I didn't need her anymore and that what we had was just a stepping stone to lead me to my future unto something better and greater.

But in the end, I can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved nor can I help them.

Randomness..Keep up

2010-02-15T21:20:00.000-08:00

heeey I can't change this ugly font...

anyways my bday is in 2 days..... whoop whoop the big 21!!! (do I seem excited?) Good, I hope I do because I'm really not.. I hate my bday always have especially after my father bought me a bike and said he'll keep it over his place. I came over one lonely weekend hoping to ride on my new bike but couldn't because my father sold it for dope.
-or-
The 3 days before my birthday when I begged him to take me away from my mothers house because over his house I was treated like a princess despite his falls. I always forgave him but never for these two things. I hope and PRAY he doesn't call the 18th because I will truly have to give him a pice of my mind when my BIRTHDAY is damn well the 17th... For petes sake you are the other half of me; you're my sperm donor...

Anyways, around this time in the spring I always wish and would like a ladyfriend.. Idk why it is or how it could be.. but I'm not stable for one I don't think; well I am but I don't think that it would work.. For some as reason though , without searching or even looking, I have these leech sucking,titty sucking, mommas MEN on my ass.. Like I don't even like men let alone dick but they all seem to think that there is no possible way I can be gay because I'm so pretty. Bullshit Negroid. THe horror. I just want a lady friend, we don't even have to be together I just want someone here. Someone I can hold on to at night (Mr.Pillow ain't cutting it no mo'), someone who wouldn't ming waking up to my morning hair. So basically a cuddle/chill buddy?? I need to hit a gay bar asap..

I also need a conversation buddy.. I havent not had a political conversation YET and its killing me. I love to sit down or take a walk (if it wasn't so damn cold) and just talk. That brings warmth to my soul, joy to my heart and puts a smile on my face. I doubt I'll be doing much talking though maybe soon maybe not... I just wish it was happening..

AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT IS NOT THINKING ABOUT HAVING A KID?

Like everyone I know in the EARLY 20's are popping out these little runts and quiet frankly I feel out the damn loop. I want kids just not now. Hell I don't even know I want eat dinner every night. How will I know how to feed a child? Shit, I won't I guess I'll just ignore that memo. I have so many fears and insecurities raising a child, I'll be damned if I rely on gonverment assistance. I never had to in my life; my mom did not believe in them. Maybe I'm thinking too much into my future because I want a house not an apartment. I want a car not a scoot box. I want.. FINANCIAL STABILITY.

Which brings me to my next subject...

I know I'm not going to make dip shit as a teacher. I know it so I was thinking about go into the Air Force, National Gaurd or OCS. I will need a GREAT money makin partner(doubtful about this.) or another check coming in somewhere and working for, with, to the government right now and I know later I dont give a damn what I have to do but I know I need money to survive therefore I'll do anything to get it even its putting my life on the line.. Get Rich or DIe Trying...

It never fails... Every single year, primarily close to my bday, a old person comes back in my life (ex: ex, friend, teacher) its mostly its an ex. This year its my ex DR.. She has a baby now and she named it after me.. DR was my sister best friend and was my around the corner boo.. I can honestly say she help spark my
pimpin ways.. She was bisexual and I was fully gay.. She thought it was okay for her to still be with guys and still come back to me.. Uh no no boo.. I always had me another girl especially when I knew she was going with some guy.. That side of me that she created has yet to wear completely off; sad to say. Needless to say, she found me on myspace just to wish me happy birthday a few days in advance. Some old feelings came back with that, like the times I use to sneak out of the house just to walk to her house to hold her at night or when we would take long walks around the neighborhood at 3am just because we couldn't sleep...Also how disgustingly hairy she was when I ate her out... Oh the thing we do when we're young.
I think I'm done... its SNOWING...

"Blame it on me"-Chrisette Michele/Time Stand Still-AAR

DL Playlist by J on MySpace Music - Play Playlist Songs & Download Tracks

2010-02-13T13:28:00.000-08:00

DL Playlist by J on MySpace Music - Play Playlist Songs & Download Tracks

....

2010-01-18T21:56:00.000-08:00

POW!

...So just pull the trigger..

ALAS!!!

2010-01-03T21:00:00.000-08:00

I've been away for a while..a long while.. I've hit a road block within myself and quite frankly I'm sick of my OWN self... Like seriously.. Heres the deal:

We'll start with LD.. I know we arent in a relationship but hell I know I treat u better than ex or anybody else.. I treat u as if u were my own girlfriend.. Even though you aren't and at times I wish you could be, right now I'm glad you arent cuz you would catch one real pissed off me like seriously.. U've kinda proven to be just like the rest... Lying and 2 faced.. like I know I"m not there but you do not have to write me off in ur status and I shouldn't have to read about whats going on or who ur with in your status like be upfront and real about what and who you are doing...blah idk even know why i'm so pissed but better believe I am...

now on to p... shes here laying right fucking next to me tuning me out! like i hate that shit don't ignore me or waste my damn time being here if being on ur phone and blasting ur ipod is all you are going to do..u could've saved ur money and I couldve saved mines and gas. I know she still loves ashley and right now i'm livid with her presences becuz she's having a better conversation with ashley over her damn phone than she is with the person that is right next to her.. like what thefuck I wish people would get a grip and not waste mine or their time.. and she too is writing me off in her status and i'm RIGHT HERE..

now to TH.... i'm so fuckin tired of the push and pull effect with her like fuck what do u want?? I stuck around for a damn year for u to get ur shit together and now i'm too damn tired to even jump into a relationship cuz i'm ready to date around.. I'll be here but someone else may be in our picture..got damn..

I just wish ppl would see whats in front of them instead of whats behind them.. or around the person holding the light so they can see the path theyre walking on.. I'm so tired of wom..no little girls right now its ridiculous.. utterly.. But I only have myself to blame for letting other waste my time...

Good Riddens

LIAR,LIAR PANTS ON FIRE

2009-12-02T13:13:00.000-08:00

Although, I know She'll never read this.. I still think I'll write about it... Everytime Her and I talk I think she's lying to me...point blank period.. I get angry about it and in my head I go on a rampage but I never say anything to her.. It's affecting negatively at the wrong time.. I mean who just ups and changing a flight when the flight has been the same for a month... U say u have a meeting on the 18th so you decide to fly down the 19th.. Now you say you have a meeting on the 22nd and now you're flying down on the 30th.. It just doesn't add up.. If you don't wana come don't.. don't waste my time.. I'm not worthy of shit I'm just someone thats trying to put her name in the word.. blah.. I hope your pants are on fire

Halloween/Atlanta

2009-11-02T16:42:00.000-08:00

I went to HOTlanta this weekend and had a damn good time.. I think I may want to live there when I'm done with school its a nice ass place to be plus I felt at ease the whole time I was there. I like when I feel at ease or at home in a place I've never been in and ATL was it. I'm going to look into the schools and places to stay there. Anyways, I went there to go to Six Flags Fright Fest. I rode two rides and called it quits because it was cold and rainy but I had fun. We also went to a club downtown called "Thrive". By far the best club I've been to in the south thus far. I enjoyed myself fine women swaying there thick hips to reggae beats, nice lips reciting the words of the song without missing a word.. I was in heaven that night, I was in love..

When I got back though it was a different story. I had to rush myself to the ER because when I got home I was urinating blood. Not like the period type either. I went to the ER and sat there for 2 hours and then I sat in the back for 2 hours. The results said that I had a very bad urinary tract infection. I was in so much pain. I didn't make it home til 3:30am, I had to miss classes today too. I've stopped peeing blood though thanks to the medicine they gave me and I'm grateful for that. Back to school I go..

2009-10-30T17:51:00.001-07:00

wanted to update, i guess i will after i calm down

one blow after another

2009-09-11T15:21:00.000-07:00

omg im cryin my eyes out... i cant stop the tears my chest hurt my head is throbbing... why isnt someone here for me with me so i could just cry on their shoulder... I remember the timeTH had cheated on me and I went to my Ace room and laid on her lap crying for about an hour and i soaked her sweats she didn't complain about it though she just let me... i need someone here right now...

Yesterday TH threw anothers girls name in my face. For some odd reason that strikes a nerve and it did I got pissed but I didn't cry. Today Heather sent me an email saying that she hates me and all this junk about her new relationship..i'm like wtf? i didn't ask for neither one of those and yet its what I get..

where's the blade when you need it?

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

2009-08-23T19:42:00.000-07:00

I'm super tired right now, probably cause I'm sick. But I came to realize,again, that I'm really not looking for new ppl in my life and so far no new ppl have come into play.. Even though I'm at a new school and city. I swear I didn't mentally prepare myself for school this semester I was so overwhelmed Wednesday on my first day. I was sweatin bricks and everything.. Overall I feel like I'm be stressed all semester plus I have a saturday class.. I HAVE to get a job asap, workstudy didn't come through for me this semester so I have to do what real people do and thats work..Ew

But, I've noticed that the ppl in my life I've never gave a chance should've been given a chance. She didn't do anything wrong, I was always just with somebody. If I could turn back the hands of time I would give her the oppritunity. . But, we still communicate daily even though I haven't seen in her in a bout a year.. I've been out of school for almost of 3 years and she's the only person from highschool that I still talk to daily on a personal level. And I like that about us, she hasn't changed and neither have I, we've only grown. I'll have to fly her out one day so she can visit cuz I don't think I'll ever stay in AZ that long to visit anyone but family..

if i could turn..

2009-08-10T00:09:00.001-07:00

How I wish I could return to my yester life and fix the things that I did wrong.. I'm not saying like fix them and stay there but fix them so I can let go and move on. But, I can't let go or move on. I believe thats what puts me outside of my own body every other day.. It makes me weak, and I'm tired as well as weary.. I think I put too much in one person and when I do,we fail and I take the blame from it all.. No one ever does anything wrong to me, and if they do its always over looked by something I did wrong such as not speaking up or not having authority. But as I see your grown and so am I we know the consequence but I have to take the blame. I just don't know...

I had a trip planned out to go to ATL Pride, the money and everything but then my car had got broken into so all the money I had towards that.. I was trying to tell the people I was suppose tro be going with that I have to see now what I was going to do now that I had to throw the money to something else but they X'd me out the trip all together.. I'm just having a series of unfortunate events and no one seems to understand..

My head hurts it 230 am and I have orientation at 8am.. I'll express myself more later...

Here we go..

2009-07-15T13:34:00.000-07:00

I'm at the library right now and idk why but I'm beyond frustrated.. There's so much I could say but there's so little words. I'm lost on more than one things I dont even know where to begin.

What to do what to do? I'm tired of just about everything. It seems like my past is catching up to me in a strange way. My mind is set though if anything happens in the relationship I'm in now I wont be moving forward just back. Back to everything I had and know. Even though its the past and it should be left there, the past can also be fixed especially if you know where you went wrong. That's my plan. I'm stickin to it.

GAH! I can't wait to school starts its becoming unbearable. From this summer on I'm doing summer school and probably never making a trip back to AZ. My summer there was just unbelieveable, first there was no air, then the gas got cut off, the cable and internet/phone got cut off in the same day. So, I was without air, entertainment and food for almost 2 weeks. I also developed insomnia yet again from being there. It was just horrible.

I don't know what else to say. I've been lost for words for a week now, and thats unusual.

Just some poems

2009-06-22T02:16:00.000-07:00

My thoughts reflect back
Without my mind dreaming to you
The thoughts were memories
But you come to play
And rob me of my thievery
Is there still hope alive
For you and me?
The thoughts play of the future
Greeting me at the door
With a baby in tow
Waking up to see your
Pale skin in touch
With my brown complexion.
Seeing this with no fear or deception
Yet I'm baffled and confused
I thought I lost love
For you, us and what we had
But as I lay back and think
Is this how its suppose to be?
As my thoughts reflect back to you.

This one is about DB.. I think about her from time to time and question myself to if I made the right choice of letting her go... In a sense I don't think I did....

The worse
Undeniable force
That keeps us apart
Will we let us run its course?
Or have we fallen
Beyond belief
Words
Life
Thoughts
More than our hearts
Could have ever fought
I'm here
Be there
Its all about standing
On your won two.
Holding your breath
Without turning blue.
Love...
Love....
Love.....
Hold me up
Love
Catch me when I fall
Love, keep me from
The curse...
That leads me
To the worse

I'm getting tired of failin at love that I'm on the verge of giving up on it... I don't believe love ever fails me but that I fail love... My mindset is getting set on going back to be alone and alone for good.. No matter who comes my way, I'll be alone... and that's how I've always wanted it because only I can fail myself no one else can fail me...

My hands that
Loved you
Caressed your skin
Could feel what was within
The same hands
Put on the shoes
To walk an unworthy distance
Just to be with you
My hands
Gripped tightly within urs
Held u all through the night.
Those hands
Wiped away tears
Vanished the fears
Of whom
Were my own
My hands
Picked up the pieces
And placed the beating matter In that empty space
When you left me on
.....My hands

This is where I feel I'm at right now at this very moment... Because I'm damn sure not on my feet....

-J

Sleep deprieved

2009-03-23T00:31:00.000-07:00

Its 2:32 am, and I have a 9am class... I don't think I'll be going to sleep tonight...

Right now, I'm listening to Jahiem and writing P a letter about various things.

My spring break was none the less a boring one cuz I spent it DB and she's a rather boring person.

Last night I didn't sleep really cuz I was mad at P, for not letting me know where she was going and I had been crying all day but she didn't seem to care. Then called me as if everything was ok

I'm bleeding something wicked this month and for once I'm glad I am bleeding because I had a pregnancy scare.

I wrote this last night maybe I'll read it at the next open mic....just maybe.
I'm tired of the broken promises and empty apologies. Don't say it if your gonna do it again don't say it if your gonna break it later. I don't even rest easy like I use to. My heart beats hollow. My words are clearly left to wollow. And my mind just follows.all this shit is being to get frustrating beyond belief...who or where is my relief? I'm not in hurricane Katrina tho it feels like I can't escape this water flow of tears that seem to overflow and then dry...and leave my mind so distraught and confused its far from repair. Who would dare try to step close and fix my broken/flooded home that has went afloat? Only I. See, why I'm tired and can't just live it up because I have to give it up. I reach out to you knowing that I will get lifted but I see shit you aint no gifted then the next. Now I see I got this and only will I have this and be there when shit happens. 3:51 a.m. 03/22/09

This weekend I'm glad to be getting away with some sisterly time. With my 3 sisters,mother and 2 nephews. It should be fun being that I haven't seen my nephews.

My eldest sister has been calling me because she's depressed. She called me this morning crying because she realized her bab daddy didn't lov her or the kids, and doesn't want to be there finacially for them.

This is a weird update,but I'm not Jay right now I feel like someone else....

the greatest let down

2009-03-05T07:56:00.000-08:00

I was able to depend on my mom for everything when I was younger and I still hold on to her dependency.But for like the past 2 years she's let me down and I've lost all trust andfaith in her. I could ask days in advance for something and still will not recieve it. However my sister who has a job can ask for money and get it.. I'm tired of being left out I'm suppose to have a car by now I'm suppose to have a laptop buy now, I'm not suppose to be struggling right now... But I'm without what I need and I'm struggling terribly... I'm tired of begging and pleading and reminding my mom to do things. I'll send a text to remind her,call her hours or even minutes before and she'll still forget and she only forgets when it comes to me. I'm hurt by her and come to think about it I've always have been.

a dumb update but I needed to get that off my chest.

My bday to my trip (a brief)

2009-02-24T07:55:00.000-08:00

My birthday was nonetheless a horrible one. My parents didn't come through with their promise. I'm still without a laptop. My friends argued at dinner. I don't believe they even cared. I cried. My father called me a day late to wish me happy birthday, I picked up and said " my birthday was yesterday bastard thanks anyways and hung up..." I'm done tryin to celebrate my birthday, it always ends up with me feeling bad. I'd rather go on like its another day than acknowledge it, and thats how I shall go about it.

I flew out to AZ on Thursay to see P. It was a frustrating trip. The people she stays wit got into a huge fight, moeny was tight and half of the time I was left alone. I would've went to stay with some family but I didn't tell anyone that I was going out there so I just suffered. She gave me promise ring before I left, its a band. I'll wear even though I feel like secrets are hidden behind it.

TH texted my saying she would like to get back together. I think she believes that we can jump back on the same boat we jumped off of and we cant. I still love her but I don't know if we can be. I don't know I'll keep ya'll updated

Visit from the past..

2009-02-10T15:36:00.000-08:00

The history: The start of my freshman year I met this wonderful person. Everytime I saw her, everytime I heard her voice, everytime I saw her name pop up on my phone, my heart jumped. I was truly lost in lust. At one point in time I felt I loved her; I would do anything for her. All that changed over a period on time. ER and I use to take naps together,watch movies,ride, talk, laugh and cry all of this together. I miss her. But, ER fell for someone else. I wanted to take it slow with her and she wanted to take it slow with me. I guess we took it too slow. Some how TB came into the picture and swept ER of her feet -I got the dirt that never seems to make it on the dust pan no matter how much you sweep it-. They've been together ever since. Now, ER and I are left wondering the 'could have beens' of us.

Sometime last week, I saw ER. I always try to walk past her or behind her to avoid the visit from the past. This time I couldn't avoid it. The elevator didn't come fast enough though I repeatedly pressed the button for it to come. I started to take the stairs but I was being lazy because I stay on the fifth floor. There we stood waiting on the elevator,side by side,alone. I could tell there was thoughts pontificating her, just as well as thoughts were whirling around in mines.The elevator came,we got on still not saying a word,still alone . She pressed 3 and I pressed 5. For some reason I was holding my breath the whole time. The elevator whisked us up to the 3rd floor, though it seem like it was an eternity,to me. She stepped off without saying a word and turning right to walk to her destination. I let out a sigh of relief and anticipated my arrival to the 5th floor.

I wonder,now, why didn't I speak?

in class..& my wishes

2009-01-27T07:44:00.000-08:00

Right now I'm sitting in Intro to Technology this class is oh so boring.. All we do is sit on computers and the teacher is Chinese so I can barely understand him.

So, T.H is tryin to get back in my life not in a relationship type setting but more like best friend type...I don't wana

Goodbye Apathy

2009-01-20T13:30:00.000-08:00

I really dont have much to talk about. I'm super excited about my trip to San Diego, since I've never been amd I'm ready to get back on the beach! The other night I had this dream about someone...It was really interesting but it caused not to go back to sleep, which made me mad because it wasn't a bad dream. Even worse I can't remember it now cuz it happened 2 days ago. Anyways, I haven't talked to TH going on a week now and I'm happy about that because she would bring me down in the worse ways without even knowing it.

I'm so upset that I can't watch The L word Season 6 without watching it on youtube 2 or 3 days later! I just wana watch it on my tv, but no the school doesn't have Shotime so no L word for me! I'll live.

Nonetheless I have to mention P, we're doing good even though we're not officially together. She still trying to have a a baby by the end of the year. I'll stick by her if its what she wants.
-J

"Damaged"-C.B....Morning Coffee

2008-12-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

Tashia talks to me like I'm her morning coffee. So pours out all the events that happened at night, they're mostly about Alex(read previous entries to know about her). Apparently, she has disappeared and didn't take her cell phone or tell anyone where she was going. Tashia's all worried and concerned because of her past,she tried to kill herself at least 3 times according to her ex. To be honest, I'm sorry that the girl has lost her mind but I dont want it to be the first thing I hear in the mornings. Its just the fact that tashia now cares about her so much and cares about me so little when she was only suppose to be a friendly fuck and i was the one she supposedly loved. It doesn't hurt but its pretty damaging being that alex is a contributor to the fall of her and i relationship. I dont blame her completely, I do however despise how smart yet dumb to remain in a fuck-ship with her. She's smart because tashia's head is on point, dumb because she knows hands on how she treats the one she's in a relationship. But since tashia and I relationship is over, all i can be is her listening ear. But I would never tell her about a girl I fucked problems, it just doesnt seem at the least bit respectable.I just wish she would see the damaged she has caused......Sad thing about it is that she's never apologized for it.

-A few hours that meant absolutely nothing caused me your love" Damaged-CB

Prayers for Bee's family.....

Me,Myself and I

2008-12-01T15:44:00.000-08:00

last week was the week of hell, i spent most of my week with my sister and tashia. my sister and i got fucked up like everyday of the week and i got that 2nd hand high.but it was cool being with her again. Tashia on the other hand i...i..just dont know anymore even though werent together i want the passion we once had to still be there,the love,the happiness and us...but it wasnt that way at all. we use to have this unspoken and unwritten rule about us not bein on the phone so much when we're together but we well more like she was on her phone and it made me feel alone so i found ppl to text and talk on the phone with. "Carmen" and "Ally Mcbeal" were her occasional texters i know Ally Mcbeal is Alex but I had to find out who Carmen was. Guess how i did that???? I logged into her downelink account. Carmen's new,they met on downelink but not in person at least I dont think.hmph. She doesnt think that I know she spent yesterday with alex to be honest i dont really care anymore, after they first encounter i stopped caring. i couldnt cry over spilled milk anymore.she was tryin to get back to her anyways. when she picked me up Wednesday, I was driving, she recieved a phone call. It was Alex, Im guessing Alex asked Tashia was she driving Tashia said "no their drivin now" i started to spin the car off the fuckin road and punch her in her face.. I was thinkin am I a nobody to you? Do you even know my name? but i just kept my cool and stayed a bitch the rest of the week.

While she was there though, she sent me this text:"Im so sorry....my flaws break everything..and i just cannot fix it all...i cant try hard enuff cry long enough...we didnt fail..i failed us...maybe one day maybe i'll b a better girl but today im still having things to learn and my shortcomings r my fault alone that spread to everything i encounter but u most of all i wanted to protect...but fell so short shorter than i could ever imagine... 11/30/08"

^kinda hard to believe

Man, I'm so sexually frustrated i havent got any since October! but then again I dont even get horny anymore like i use to...i wonder why???I am however looking to bust a few nuts while i'm in AZ for a week. but I'll see..idk i had alot more on my mind but ive been tryin to relieve stress lately.

oooo Im so hooked on Janelle Monae,Conya Doss and Ayo( all thanks to Bee) and Solange. Ive been listening to Janelle Monae the most though she knows how to sing about the shit I've been going through.Im happy with my new found music though

a love of my own

2008-11-18T13:31:00.000-08:00

Ok. Its ok. It doesnt even matter.no ones gonna save me.....i dont think i can b n a relationship like this jasmine. Id rather b ur friend. We're gonna break before i break us irreperably. I love u. Plz dont blame anyonr but me. Im broken and until i can fix me....i dont wanna b anybodys project. Thank you for trying to help me...u'll never understand what ur presence in my life means....with u i wont b selfish...so i cant allow u to stay here with me....not until im better. I love you so much baby and this is why i have to do thys....i have to make it on my own ....i swear im not running ....im just focusing on fixing me so we can b sumthin better than this.11/11/08

That's what she said to me...i guess we're on a break or a temporary leave...i just felt like a job that u did nothing at but you still got paid for,but quit cuz ur not gettin paid enough....makes sense? i feel that way cuz she left or we broke up cuz she had tofix herself and some things but yet i was there when noone else was and i still am, i feel dumb at times but right for her wrong...

i think i love 2 ppl at once

I met P way before i met Tashia, fucked P before Tashia,loved P before I loved Tashia...SO why am I not with P? she doesnt have her shit together and is way out in az... like she works at a convenient store 50+ hours...she lives with her ex's family..shes scared and really needs to work on her before being committed to me...so im not with her BUT im not with tashia cuz tashia's mind isnt together,but she has her shit together, shes just fighting herself within she needs her time..and i guess i need mines too... im lost within my mind and myself hinestly, thats how i like it..cuz i only have to worry about me but im tired of being all about me.. idk

I had a dream about my ex from highschool. we dated for a year and a half, best relationship i had. I really miss her. but unfortunately i broke her heart and we dont talk, we havent talked for going on 2 years now. i really wish we would so i could havee closure or a friendship like i do with the rest of my ex's but she's showed me i cant always have what i want..i just really miss her..and still love her...dearly

but im going to go look for a car today, wish me luck

-J

feels like the time is right.....i gotta pack my bag and go

2008-11-09T21:14:00.000-08:00

about a hour ago i had alot on my mind and i was gonna come here and say it all but i forgot it.... so i'll just say whats been going on

Earlier this week, i decided to let everything go and just become nonchalant about life, things seem to be better that way. Tashia and I had been arguing for a week or so about her wrong doing. she asked me if i wanted to go and i couldn't brinfg myself to say yes cuz i really dont wana go its not anything holding me back from doing so, idk its really hard to explain. don't think im afraid to be alone cuz im not..im just....idk...i think i just dont wana fall back into my old ways, they did me no good.. I think i lost alot of potential life long relationships due to me not feeling worthy enough... i said in this relationship, this time, no matter how rough things got i would stay just to see what happens, i really just want to make it a year with her...for some strange reason...i know ppl say alot but do more, but if her and i dont last i will be alone at least for the next 5 years just to venture off alone and worry about my own...i guess i could be doin that now but idk im still in my late youth and i dont want to right now.i let the whole cheating thing go , i mean its still there but im not losing sleep over it anymore nor am i stressing over.....idk last week felt like i was being kicked when i was already on my knees, this long distance relationship is really killing me.

soon ima have to fly out to arizona and pick up my nephews cuz my sister has gone out of her mind and outside of the box..i would put her business out there but my business is enough. im finally think im gettin some shit accomplished in school i cant remember or obtain anything due to a lack of remembering things but i think im doing okay for what it is

on the 21st i think ima go see tashia if i have a car by then which i really hope i do cuz i cant take another damn weekend on a&m campus with no way to escape im tired of just sittin here its really causing me to be depressed. last week i also went without eating,literally for like the whole week. i feel fine tho i ate this weekend we'll see if i feel like eating this week..

Question: When someone says their gona get tested, does that mean you should be ocncerned or their just being safe?
cuz tashia said she was going to get tested, definitely before her and i had sex again idk if i should be scared. i dont think i will be having sex with her for a while though..my sex drive has dwindled since i found out she fucked another girl......

MCC Weekend.

2008-10-28T01:40:00.000-07:00

so tashia cheated on me yet again. i told her the girl was gonna try her and she didn't wana believe, now she sees why i dont have any faith in her.

so i left early thursday around 11am to go to bham. tashia was suppose to be up there that day too but she claimed she had to go her mass media class on friday.so yea that day i just let my mom run my fuckin nerves to high hell and stay in a hella sleezy and dirty hotel. i really didnt sleep that day either or eat. i didnt really eat all last week to be honest i had lost like 5 lbs and i was happy.friday tashia came and was pissed the fuck of to the point she wanted to hit me or kick my ass as she says. She went through my phone, a 'no no' and was upset by what she saw in my text messages from donna. donna was callin me baby and shit which pissed tashia off i told her dont be upset by what u find in my phone cuz i wont dare go through yours to save myself some heartache.now donna is a girl i jus befriended last monday and we cool on the talkin level, im not tryin to get with anyone else nor do i think i ever will.but tashia and i made up like 40 mins later. im not sweatin that. saturday we didnt do much either went to a different hotel, got some sushi with some crappy ass service and went to sleep. it seems like everytime tashia and i get the opportunity to go out tashia never does and she claims shes tired and goes to sleep.sunday we had one for the road and parted our seperate ways.i came back to school with like 30 dollars when i started the weekend out with 320. aw well.backin to this cheatin thing....

were pressed play on our pause

so tashia cheated on me by kissin another girl about 2 months ago.i dont wana take the blame for her actions but i was ignorin her that day cuz i didnt wana deal with her nonsense of gettin the girls number and gettin drunk for the previous night. but today i aint takin blame for not a damn thing cuz i wasnt ignoring her or nothing. she met this brandi or alex depends on tashia mood on what to call her about a week and a half ago i told her that she needs to tell her things instead of waitin for the girl to ask because the girl will think if u do have a girlfriend u dont care about her enough to tell her to other which is true cuz they kissed today and the girl still dont know about me. tashia dumb ass thinks now is the perfect time to now tell her about me.. what type of ape shit is that???? tashia wanted me to be ok with her meeting her a new friend but i never was...lesbians will be lesbians i dont know how much more i can take...i just thought she would be different than the rest and cheating in relationships is all i know,its super frustratin. when we 1st started talkin she once upon a time said she would never think about cheating on me but she has cheated on me twice. even though she says them bitches dont mean anything thing...clearly they do that they're taking time away from us. its 4:06 and I got a 9 o'clock

People say alot but do more..
-J

ocean breathes salty

2008-10-20T16:07:00.000-07:00

the tears i cry
takes me to the ocean
man how great it'll feel
with a weight tied to my ankle
going with the motion
floating with the waves
splashes upon my face
oh what a place
this shit feels great
man what i would do to feel alive again
it would give me such a high
gravity has a hold on
i would've searched for help
but all i have is myself
waved my arms
flashed an i.d. to the sun
but what would that
weight i have
i'm lost at sea
shit, i've sunken too deep
i can't escape
escape
swim to the surface
take that deep breath
i'm in hell amongst the death
my bodys apart of the ocean
soul is with satan
forgive me for the ones that i have forsaken
mistakes i'm makin
i know this isn't how i'm suppose to end
but i couldn't stop the tears i cried

Poetry

2008-10-20T13:58:00.000-07:00

Under any circumstance you come 1st
Even when I need to quench my thirst
I drop everything for you
Cuz I know my love is true
Even when I'm hangin with the crew
My time still remains with u
I wish it was the same
I would love to be 1st without disdain
You push
You pull
I rise
I fall
I feel like a fool
I cry alone
Wishing I could get just 2 secs with u on the phone
"Let me uh call u back"
Or the sounds of texting in my ear
The click and the clack
I just need u to listenin
W/o thinkin I'm bitchin
I'm only explainin baby
Not complainin
On another I have to rely
To stop the tears I cry
I love u is wat u say
But am I suppose to be feelin this way?

and there it is

2008-10-08T21:50:00.001-07:00

.............and there she goes
she left......

..Tired

2008-10-08T18:54:00.000-07:00

So, Im extremely tired and sick....My head is constantly hurting....

"If he ever left me, I wouldn't even be sad, no
Cause there's a blessing in every lesson
And I'm glad that I knew him at all" -India.Arie "The Truth"

Im grateful that i met tashia shes the best thing that has happened in my life for a while. but im tired already after four months, I promised i wouldnt leave and it gets harder and harder to leave but its gets much harder to stay..makes sense?
She called me today crying....everything I said to her she turned against me....so i got silent...cuz whats the use of talkin if everything i say doesnt even fucking matter... then she hung up in my face. like an idiot i called back to apologize for my shortcomings and again I get hung up on....i just dont know what to do anymore....

I would take the advice of the outside lookin in but they dont know the good she does for me cuz the bad weighs the good most of the time....

I dedicate "Why does she stay"-Ne-yo

...distance.....

2008-10-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

I've failed....we're taking a "pause"....a pause that I know we wont press play on in the near future...I'm torn, I can't stop crying. I wish she would hold faith within herself to know that we'll make it, I can't know we'll make it alone it just wont work.I'm not caring too much about myself anymore. I'm decapitated from myself, my body is somewhere during the normal routine but my head is else where, not facing reality...I just dont know. Anymore.

Distance

its so much between us

even with trust

our hearts beat

the words dont speak

idk.....

I'll finish when the tears stop

A Sleeper

2008-10-03T21:11:00.000-07:00

It seems like everytime I'M talking about something important.....she falls asleep.....I understand she got up at 4am probably earlier for work and has to get up the next day at the same time to do it all over again...but when will I get put first? I dont know why I was expected to be put first in this relationship cuz I was never put first in any of the rest. Something, someone always came before me. I guess I allow myself to be put second....I'm just worn out and tired.... I cried today in all my classes, cuz I called to wake her up at 4am and as soon as we got on the phone she says, " I dont want to talk right now to you" and hung up. I didn't get the chance to say I love u or why....nothing.....i love her though and sense i've been treated like this in all my relations i think this is the best i can get but i know i can do better on my own...but i need someone t/here even if im gettin treated the low of the lowest...

Will always be Tashia her ego is so high...tonight i was fussing with her and i started to yell, she says "dont yell at me cuz i can always do better" I began to cry cuz I was growin frustrated and she's like "why the fuck are YOU crying." Like i have no space to cry no time for the tears on my end,like i shouldnt be crying... I am so strong but the strong gets weak at time and she doesnt understand that.She doesnt think I initiate anything at all. she thinks i wait for her to do everything which isnt the case...im timid and shy in her presence but she expects me to know this and that, when i only knows what she tells me. im not a mind reader...

Im losing it slowly with everything...school,health,money and time...i cant wait for a change cuz it'll never come.... I'VE gotta change it...

I miss my sunset days...

damn....

2008-09-29T13:04:00.000-07:00

So this weekend was actually a pretty good weekend.... Friday Tashia came and picked me up we went to her house and stayed the entire weekend with her mom.... I think her mom might actually like me. Her friend Tree(nickname) came for the ride, I must say I enjoyed my time with her too...

Im really tired of teasing myself... But I dont want to call it quits with Tashia just because of distance. I just hate to see her go everytime she has to. I know I love her and I know we are meant to be. If we arent this is a lesson that shouldn't have never been taught because I would be so fucked up emotionally and mentally... I dont see myself being any other place.

When her and I sleep together, I get the best sleep.. Its like she holds me so close, so tight that I dont ever want to move. I hate being away from her while we sleep. Saturday morning around 4am I felt sick so I got up and left for like 10 minuntes. As I got back in bed, she wrapped me in her arms and whispered " I hate when your gone even a second away from me, I love you." It sent chills up my spine, her grip was so embracing and secure, I didn't want to get up later that day...

Her kisses drags me to cloud nine, its so cute how we accident bump each others teeth. I could go on and on about Tashia but I'll stop here....

Thanks B.Kirk for hookin me on bloggin again :)

...million miles a minute....

2008-09-25T19:22:00.000-07:00

I'm nervous

I'm trembling

I'm shakin

She comes tomorrow

To take away this sorrow

.......im drawin a blank

....The 1st....

2008-09-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

So I just got off the phone with Tashia(my gf), well more like she hung up in my face.....idk... Most of the time she makes me feel so inadequate...to her needs, to her, her wants,her mind, her feelings, the list could go on... I know and feel like I'm there for her 24/7 like who do you know will wake up out their sleep at 4 am just to wake someone else up? I guess I do it outta love... Cuz i do love her, but at times I wonder if she loves me... Like throughout the day, we discuss what has happened to her, what she did, how she felt.....but when we finally get to me I draw a blank cuz I'm so wrapped up in caring about her and her day that mines doesn't even matter,honestly. After we get off the phone for the day the same question pops into my head "Will you still love me tomorrow?" That question comes to mind so much that I can't even stand to listen to the song by Amy Winehouse anymore.

I'm suppose to see her this weekend I don't know if that'll happen still, because idk... I'm suppose to be doing alot for us....like transferring to JSU. Thats like jumping into a never-ending pit... I dont know what my parents will think, I think they'll cut me off financially in every which way.who knows, i do know that I am physically,emotionally and mentally tired, I dont even do much....im scared.....

There's so many words I could share but yet they're better left unspoken....Maybe another time...

"My heart is heavy

knees are weak

too much weight to be carried

on my shoulders,

I drag my feet

If I dare to speak

Will anyone hear me

or my weeps?"-Jasmine